Day 34: rejuvinated
2025/03/30
yea im a normie now guys, the act is over!! ew that sounds like irony coded whyte fags like jreg or something. earnesty? alright so i went back to classes and started putting my act back together. a few days where i really slept on time and was going to class, did studies and was basically just overwhelmed with stress. teachers looking at me like i had a tom & jerry sized bump coming out of my head from how disstressed I constantly look. it sort of went away when i got clarity on the assignments or finished them. I started and then quit vaping like 3 times (bought one, threw it out again and again). kinda sucked, oh yea spring break I turned 22 over the break, i didn't tell anyone as it felt ingenious to need to let others know its my birthday and then have them celebrate me. to be honest the people in my immediate space right now were not gonna be the type of party i wanted. im a woman and goth or weird freak FUCK who likes doing random online shit and niche hyperfixations and being a stupid oversexualized dumbass just all of this stuff that i enjoy (karaoke even) i am not going to express that in front of these people. and if I do im gonna be drunk alone at a bar talking to some RANDO i geniunely feel weird around, like some guy offered to buy me a drink after chatting with him for 3 minutes like... actually yea he was nice and lonely too i just felt weird about the whole thing like i have to walk home are you gonna follow me a r*pe me when i walk back to my dorm? nah chief, im 7 drinks in and i never drink at all gimme a sec. yea I went to a bar after taking 3 exams in one week just to say fuck it...which I then regretted as I girl rotted for the next 7 days. the weight of unfinished assignments on my mind while i sit and play fallout new vegas and realise all the relationships i have built in college and in high school were mostly just fake or with manipulative assholes who don't deserve my time... oh yea i forgot about explaining why this is 475 countdown lol sorry rare person who actually reads this but im counting down to move to jeeeepan. nippon. go to japan and live with lots of autonomy, security, privacy, and super fun epic times (tokyo babybeeeee!!) -------- another shift in thinking happened, I AM THE INDEPENDENT VEGAS FEM. My time playing fallout new vegas sent me towards trying to think about my own life or task type shit as simply the quest tab on my pipboy. im not gonna do an insane amount at once, so once a task is finished its gonna be grayed out and fade into obscurity. and then maybe a rotation of 6ish quests where I only do one at a time, and basically all of the relevent data is there for the journey. my health, my items, skills, general social stats, etc. my morality and other human type relations and stuff is completely up to me, and for the most part just do what gives me good karma. having bad karma doesn't pay well in the long run. sort of an "amoral" stance to most issues, bc honestly its natural to just act in accordance to get the best outcome for most of us when viewing it without intense emotion or attachment. but in another way benny checkered suit is so cool. thinking about my own life in terms of making a shit ton of money, applying it to do categorically the best outcomes like just feed poor people and have some basic equality or whatever: and then do whatever the fuck i want. if the robots are gonna support everyone with time then fund that, if no one can afford a house buy people affordable housing. its just that simple. libertarianism? maybe, but using my congruency of action and desire to make money and then have a simple, positive, impact on peoples lives. Side rant but im done consuming so much right-wing almost alt-right libertarian bro videos and brain rot because it got to a point where i was like damn wtf these beliefs are actively harming me. specifically ones one minorities and poor people, and then on religion and like sacredish black and white thinking. those types of really brutal ways of viewing people is always from someone in privelege that hasn't experienced it first hand, and people who have are always obviously againt it (or repressing). and then with like the religious thing and any other weird spirituality bullshit its like I intuitively knew it was bullshit, but it starts forming as a belief the less I stand against it or stay silent around it. its something where if you don't actively go against it people grope you into believing it or whatever, they are literally all cults in this regard. believing off of things with skizophrenic justifications of why their cult hallucination should be trusted with blind faith. like even me explaining it sounds so redundant on how absurd this is. cultural realities or collective believes aren't reality. I want something simple and explainable, and if you literally cannot explain why something is true or not, I cannot reason with you. You are far gone and i become "irrationally" against trying to reason because I can simply tell you are too far gone. but life is hard, and facing reality with clarity...seems harder than it actually is?? like it just goes back to perception again where, say you were going to die in 1 hour. if you knew that was a fact, you would fucking accept that reality one way or another. and once over those many harsh layers of rejection and fear, comes actual inner peace and acceptence of what the present moment actually is. its just a moment. its all we have. right now is your entire life. "right now" is the same phenomenal experience you will have seconds before death. but luckily you won't really understand when exactly you die, unless its intentional or something idk. but learn to accept "now" and I think lots of stuff fall into place. the lack of clarity fixes itself when you become clear on the reality of time, and that right now is all that you exist in, so any other threat you are percieving that isn't right now isn't real. like what isn't now isn't actually a threat because it isn't right now. right now is all that is real. or maybe it is a threat, but the buffer allows you to see: in 20 days this is due and I can do it in 10. thats simply what it is. percieve the problems of the 1st day, of the 1st hour, of the 1st task, of the 1st micro move, of the 1st cup of coffee you make, of the bath room break you take in between, percieve what is happening in small ways, without being anal or whatever and its like woah. this isn't scary at all. me submitting a final thesis paper is what? a bunch of words typed onto a doc, I read some papers and have fun with the ideas, and then I click a submit button. i ask AI to fix the grammar, but all that is is tetris with words for maybe 4 errors. its not that the task is complex, its that it just has more steps. the steps are the exact same difficulty in all honesty. like in any task ever, the tasks do remain the same difficult if you adjust it correctly. even if the task is cateogircally fucking difficult, i can lower my expectation of performance so that I am completed "a thing." If my professor gives homework that requires me to read 100 pages, I'm literally doing 60% effort as my personal completion grade. all of the anxiety about time restraints and quality go out the window once i give up and decide to make some mid. and when I do make the mid its actually better practice because I understand what I am atually doing on the page. I'm not just rushing to make dogshit that fits the grade with no retention. And the thing with that is that, consistency will always win. Almost every kind of busy work -like- overachiever dick measuring contest that workplaces and school give you never allow that kind of consistency. you need to delibretaly lower the expectation of work for yourself, its not about if i'm good enough to do it or not its self preservation for investing time in things that will actually grow. anything above 50% effort in any school or wage cuck job is complete diminishing returns. I would argue it has like negative ROI because of how much time and effort you lose and end up needing to compensate with compulsive "hobbies" like drinking and going out to eat that cost more money. another framework: do tasks and important stuff in a way that incentivices myself to do it again. make the core activity inherently fun or enjoyable or satisfying so that I have a natural incentive to do it again. even if its a mcdonalds job or amazon warehouse, think how can I possibly make this somethign I like, like really. not stuff like smiling more or being a kiss ass, but asking: how can I make this meaningful or interactive for myself? what will make this job have a positive impact on my life? can i work on my social skills with normies? how can I concieve of putting fries in the bag that would actually be kind of fun? can i make a count down of money saved or days gone by with x happening? Maybe I can simply distill it into the quest format, and once I have the true auto-pilot system where i don't have to think i can do other stuff. work in the back so I have a headphone in listening to youtube or podcasts that teach me something. listen to a foreign language podcast and learning a fuckig language while getting paid. thats some priveleged shit. think about it. the mind is an amazing feat of humans, and often times what will give us happier experiences is probably an effort to do so by our internal selves and the mind. if I have $50 and really wanted to make it last, the determining factor on if I blow it or make it worth while comes from my mind. I can think of what will give me a long term benefit from a 20$ purchase, or I can just get uber eats. these 2 options manifest different auras that shape my environment. the uber eats shits on my birthday cake and leaves me feeling broke and lazy. trash everywhere, I just payed 2 corporatoins to feed me slop while tipping a driver barely anything. BUT the $20 wise choice like a white board for writing notes down is treating me like an intellectual that can spend the time and money to learn things and grow as a human being. there is a ripple effect on every purchase and action there is, the most important is what will be shaping the environment? everything has its own energy and man power put into it that places it where it is, and if I pay for something bad, I'm not just paying for that: im shifting energy and people to praise this negative thing like uber eats or vapes or oreos. but a different healthier thing happens with positive stuff like a white board: im telling the world that learning is important and that long term endeavors is what I buy. not only this but I'm having to cook for myself by not get uber eats or quick slop things. its a paradigm shift (damn thats pretentious but true). money spent on long term rather than short term, which is something you can only understand the difference of from the long term lol. they both have an aura, and every purchase around me has some type of aura, a socio-cultural symboling or people are starving, pay or set up a system so that they're not. something as simple as that and you're life suddenly has an insane amount of meaning. thats selfish though all our altruism comes from is the fact that making others feel good makes us feel good, so its a matter of perspective of who is doing it for who. no one has free will anyways thats a silly concept so best not worry about it and just look at it clearly on how the situation is and then you'll naturally do something thats reasonable i think. OKAY thats why i made the pipboy isn't it, if something so crazy like moving to a different country, gaining skills for a job, finishing a uni degree, can be distilled and then clearly represented via a little quest tab then I most likely will be doing a reasonable thing that isn't too unhinged. when i was being a girl rotter the last couple weeks i didn't have the clarity. the clarity isn't necessarily from listing the tasks either i think, i think its also just simply only percieving that one task, your brain is only handling that one threat at a time. when it percieves all threats, and can only act on one of them, I just become depressed in a few days because its like im never doing enough and my body is just tired from all of that played out anxiety given from percieving threats. but yea like if its just one thing at a time, its easier for me to hang out with people or be clear on whether im being weird or unreasonable. damn it really does get better huh. can't believe it until you see it but i can still act as if i do, so i guess i'll do that. ------------ more nonsense but japanese: i dislike and am against saying thing before they actualize but i want to like actualize thruogh words what i am doing with japanese. just that i'm doing it. hey future serahin, this is one of the things your long term purchases will umm, make a difference. my environment yea, what can you do to incentivize doing japanese more seraphine? what kind of people will make you want to learn japanese more? where do you find yourself mindlessly scrolling and binging topics or fiction in japanese? those are good questions i think lol, answer those seraphine ik ur reading this